Work,

Porn is not particularly pornographic. Bob and vagene … zzzz .. what about it. True pornography provides a narrative or a fantasy that a person can fall into. Nowadays most fantasies are about work (which is really about excellence), love (acceptance), or land (time). Today I’d like to talk about work.

Was making conversation with a stranger at one of Ben’s dinners and abruptly this guy goes “I don’t know you very well but it seems that you are sort of fixated on success and failure and work and production and you know,” then he hits his fist with the palm of his hand three times, “failure failure failure”.

Language acquisition, for example. Korean, Spanish, Turkish, French. To a lesser extent Arabic Italian and Greek. Of course to be referred to as a polyglot lubricates my constantly creaking ego. But what is the point, besides beauty and fun, which, despite each being absolutely necessary, aren’t always sufficient. And, of course: I’m not actually a polyglot. Not a chance. I’m proud that I'm able to speak some French, especially since I’ve never taken a class, interacted with a native speaker, or been to Europe. But it goes without saying that being able to speak some French is not the same as being able to speak French. Anybody who knows any French knows exactly how little I know.

Learning programming is very similar to learning the natural languages is very similar to learning to dance. And so on. Learning anything requires frequency and intensity. Farther upstream are virtues like honesty and patience. I don’t want to think too much about virtue because it feels moralistic. More importantly it is unhelpful. Contemplating one’s virtues and/or lack thereof is primarily about feeling. I'm already very, very, very good at feeling. Porn, self-help, Youtube, Linkedin, and drinking too much coffee are about feeling. Hahaha. Whereas solving problems is doing. Sex is doing. Dance is doing. Writing is doing.

Rilke: "Young people, who are beginners in everything, are not yet capable of love: it is something they must learn. With their whole being, with all their forces, gathered around their solitary, anxious, upward-beating heart, they must learn to love. But learning-time is always a long, secluded time ahead and far on into life, is—; solitude, a heightened and deepened kind of aloneness for the person who loves. Loving does not at first mean merging, surrendering, and uniting with another person (for what would a union be of two people who are unclarified, unfinished, and still incoherent—?), it is a high inducement for the individual to ripen, to become something in himself, to become world, to become world in himself for the sake of another person; it is a great, demanding claim on him, something that chooses him and calls him to vast distances."

Why am I so slow, sloppy, lazy, incompetent, incapable. Is this worthwhile, what is it, who am I, what can my life be. They say things will change but what if they don't. What if you turn 41 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 and you're still scanning the arts section of the paper to read about people who are winning, people who don't read about you, and maybe they never will - and you tell yourself tomorrow - tomorrow - tomorrow -

Win, lose, play some more. What are the terms of this game?

Impotent, insecure, inwardly oriented emotion is losing, is disempowering, is life without freedom, is no different from death. If it never pans out, if you never win, if you never get the prizes .. well. Who gives a shit. Getting to be alive, getting to work, getting to swim, being possible - that’s the prize. Work is the prize of working. Life is the prize of living. With your whole being, with all your attention, all your idle daydreams, gathered around your solitary, anxious, upward-beating heart, you will work. You will win. QED. You have already won.

Lots of people like to “lead”. Lots of people want to be at the front of some sort of group, to found a company or spearhead some initiative - the verb is more important than the object. There are a lot of good things about this impulse but I simply don't possess it. I want to build technology for practical utility and I want to write the best novels of this generation and I want to be a honest man. I want to end poverty but saying "I want to end poverty" sounds lofty & ridiculous -- what I want is for the people I love to have enough to eat, a warm home, medicine for when they're sick. I probably need to learn quantum mechanics at some point so I can stop falling in /REDACTED/ with people just because they know quantum mechanics. I have a friend who walk dogs for extra $ and often says "a tired dog is a happy dog." A tired Madeleine is a happy Madeleine. You're a writer, you're an engineer, you're a dancer. A dancer dances. All you need is the music and a mirror and a chance to dance for you.